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welcome to my blog :)) ♥ || blogs for the sake of blogging || enjoys free writing so say hi to grammatical errors ^-^|| blessed to have an amazing best friend, ENNA CYMBELINE GLANG TATO ♥♥ ♥♥ her much.much ^-^ || and a kickass bartender best friend, LORENZO MIGUEL SALAZAR || "busy" but tries to update|| not a fashionista || free-spirited || ♥ laugh || ♥ having fun || ♥ colors || ♥ NBA || ♥ outdoor activities|| ♥TRIMMOC (Tribung MIndanaw Mountaineering Club) Member|| get a glimpse of my twisted mind through my posts || future chemical engineer || ultimately in love with FOOD || chef in the making || will save lives in the future || ♥ life and ultimately, i want to be FOREVER YOUNG ♥
email me for comments/etc: glycerilkaye@yahoo.com :)

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TALK.

♘♔ :(

Monday, July 25, 2011 @ 11:26 AM

i don't know what's wrong with me. it's just prelims but i'm already failing most of my subjects. i don't know if this is the aftermath of my depression on ken (and i'm not gonna use any codename. shit. i am THAT depressed). i don't care if he'll read this or not.

and the sad thing is, THIS IS ALL BASICALLY MY FAULT. ALL my friends are passing mechanics, passing DE and passing ORGY CHEM LEC..pero ako? kamusta naman ang grades ko? nakakahiya. naging valedictorian pa ako nung elementary tapos sige lang ako kabagsak. naturingan pa namang first honorable mention at quizzer nung highschool tapos puro palakol. palakol na nga, di pa pasado. NAKAKAINIS. alam mo yun?

and yknow what, i can't air all these out to my friends. di ko rin alam kung bakit. ang dami-dami ko nang binibear solo kasi kasalanan ko man rin.

i'm hurt when other people would ask me "what happened?" because i could honestly tell them I DON'T KNOW. i honestly don't know why i'm like this. i don't know why my effin grade in mechanics (which is more difficult) is higher than my DE grade. and to think that i understood ALL the lessons in DE much more than i understood mechanics. mechanics is like fogging my mind and i can't think clearly.

alam mo, di na ako naniniwala when people say matalino ako. kasi it reflects on my grades. matalino ba yung sige kabagsak tapos ang friends nya kay matataas ang grade? fuck. i know you know it hurts when you're grades are like, 70-74. but yknow what hurts more? it's the fact that you're the only one who's left behind. the fact that ALL your friends in your circle of friends have grades 87-98. it only means one thing: you cannot put the blame on anyone but yourself.

i mean duh, of course i can't put the blame on them, it's all on me. I'M the one who TOOK the exam. I'M the one who procrastinated, I'M the one who gave in to my depression, I'M the one who did this to me. it's just a sad, sad fUck. and yknow,, i can't air these out to anyone.

just a while ago, while i was walking back home, i thought "ayoko nang maging masaya" then, surprisingly, i found myself arguing myself. "kelan ka ba naging masaya lately?" and with that i sheepishly answered myself "never". yung alam mo yun, wala yung lasting, stable happiness lately.

and it's been a long time since i wanted to air all of these out. i'm having the WORST sem/year of my whole life ever. yknow, i just don't want to like be like this forever. i wanted to jump back. i wanted to rise back and to overcome this. but yknow what my problem is? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO JUMP BACK. i don't know how to stand up from my fall.

i'm finding a support system which is stable enough to help me get through this. i'm merely human, i'm not a super human to not need anyone. i'm independent but i'm also dependent. di ko na tlga alam anong gawin. i'm at lost.

minsan naawa na lang ako sa sarili ko. alam mo bakit? kasi malayo ang family ko. tapos i'm in this state. tapos wala pa tlga ako pinapahalagahan ng person na pinapahalagahan ko. yang mga ganyan gud.

and most of the time naiiyak na lang ako. kasi wala na ako magawa. kasi hindi ko alam kung anong dapat gawin.

akyat na ako. itulog ko na lang to. baka di na ako magising bukas or mamaya. i'll just let you know.

di bitaw, kulang lang siguro to sa DOTa. haha. atik lang.

sana someday, i'll win over this depression. i'll win over this failure. sana, someday, i can prove to myself that contrary to what i label myself, i'm not a failure. i'm not a factory-defect.

sana, someday, mag synch na rin ang mga sarili ko. sana mag coordinate na sila para maging successful na ako. sana magbati na sila. sana mahanap ko na ang happiness ko.

sana makasama ko na si God so that i can praise Him all my life.

imma out.

cheers?

.glam.

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